Year: 2019

There are a lot of books, articles, videos and blogs on how to be a parent, “How to be a good parents (with pictures)”, “50 Easy Ways To Be A Good Parent”, “Nine Steps to More Effective Parenting”, etc.

However, all that information begs another, far more important question: how to be a kid.

To be an expert in most things, you have to go to school, study hard, pass a test and get a license. To drive, you have to pass a driving test to get a license. To get married, you don’t have to go to school or pass a test, but you have to get a license.  

To be a parent you just have to know how to play a certain three-letter activity with a somewhat unpredictable outcome.

Which is kind of confusing for the kids. They arrive with a “What the…?!”

And it gets even more confusing from then on. 

As a kid you control nothing in your life. You only get fed when the big woman with the comfy chest decides it’s time. Yucky paper things get wrapped around your middle, often by the big guy with a big face that makes really big noises when the paper things slip. 

No one speaks your language. They can only differentiate between your crying and laughing (how stupid is that?!).  

As you get older, you learn their language (they never learn yours) and then they send you to a place called “school” where you learn boring stuff, but nothing about being a kid.

Later, it gets more confusing. When some of your friends have their own comfy chests, you’re told you can’t even look at them, much less touch them. And they just giggle and point at your funny-thing that they don’t have. Or vice versa. 

And maybe, during all that confusion, the two people who seem to know everything and keep you safe start yelling a lot and it’s scary. And one day one of them moves away and you don’t know why, but you’re pretty sure it’s your fault. 

Or maybe they just take you somewhere and leave you. And strangers give you food and a place to sleep, but the food is only sometimes and the sleep is no longer easy because its a scary place and now you know it’s your fault.

And through all of it, no one explains what happened or why. And even if they do, they use words with too many parts, like or “alcoholism” or “inappropriate”. Nothing about how to be a kid, nothing at all.

Later, maybe you get kicked out of school because math and english and science and history aren’t nearly as cool as smoking and drinking and drugging and doing what you want instead of what you’re told to want. 

And you have no idea why your life is in blurry pieces.

Or maybe you’re one of the really courageous ones and somehow, before it’s too late, you force yourself away from that path, you discover the damage that was done to you, you repair it to the extent you can, and save a life. Yours.  

Or maybe you’re really, really lucky and life is confusing, but laughter and hugs also fill your day and none of the scary stuff happens and you don’t have to save a life. 

Eventually you become an adult, get a job, marry a comfy-chested person or a funny-thing person and have a kid. So, finally, you get one of those books about kids – about the you who is long gone.

Pretty nutty, huh?

Kids have no responsibility or control over their lives. They’re completely vulnerable. They don’t know what’s going to happen to them until it happens. It’s only when they’re no longer kids, when they become adults that they control their own lives. They decide to learn about things like raising kids, having healthy relationships, about children of alcoholics or the impact of divorce, or foster care, and more. All the stuff its too late to do much about.

We are schooled on how to go to the moon, win wars, fight disease, invent new things, make money.  But, on being a kid? Nothing.

Imagine if, along with other subjects in school, there were as many books or courses – not on raising a kid, but on being a kid – as there are on parenting: on dealing with parents and other kids, on the physical and emotional stages of growing from childhood to adulthood, taught in kids terms. 

Imagine a kid understanding and learning how to be a kid – while it is happening – instead of later, when it’s too late to get it right.

That advice has been offered and followed for centuries. Anyone who challenged the power of the Catholic Church would be crushed.

In February, 2019, a parishioner in the Archdiocese of Newark, and childhood victim of a pedophiliac priest, wrote a letter to the NY Times. He spoke for 400 years of children abused by the Catholic Church. 

”When I was a child, I was sexually abused by a Catholic priest.  I was prey, vulnerable to being groomed by the priest. The line was crossed.”  – Mark Williams, victim.

From it’s founding, Christianity was not just a religion. It was also a political organization, focused on membership. From the outset circumcised men could join, so Jews were eligible. The Virgin Mary was placed high in the hierarchy, so women were welcome, too, a notion almost unheard of at the time.  Christianity was a large tent. As a result, it spread across the world like wildfire.  

And then there were the rules, one of which: you had to show obeisance to the Church to get into heaven. Otherwise, you would go to hell.

Trauma is the devil. It stays in the core of your being. My tears waited nearly a half-century to stream from my eyes. – Mark Williams, victim.

Power also came from centralized authority. The Pope may have been troubled in high school, he may have stolen candy from Santa’s elves, but once ordained, he is infallible – never wrong.  Think about taking on an organization led by someone who is always right.

Sexual violation is at the heart of the church’s crisis today and threatens its sacredness. – Mark Williams, victim.

Some did take on the Church. In the early 1500’s Martin Luther started a whole new branch in Europe. A few years later, in England, Henry the VIII asked Pope Clement VII for a divorce from Catherine of Aragon; she hadn’t given him a son. And he wanted to marry Catherine’s lady in waiting, Ann Boleyn. Clement dragged his feet, so Henry kicked the Catholic Church out of England and formed the Church of England. In the process he also just happened to take over all the Church’s wealth, which he uses to solidify his power. He got his divorce and married Ann. Unfortunately, Ann only produced a daughter, so he executed her.

Henry was a multi-tasker.

“Some take their own life, like one friend of mine. I suffered the pangs of addiction, the subsequent lies, and depression and suicidal ideation, along with bankruptcy and the loss of my job and home.”  – Mark Williams, victim.

It turns out Henry VIII did a favor to all English kids. In 1629, a Piarist priest, Father Stefano Cherubini, was accused of “impure friendships with schoolboys” and fellow priests received “many accusations of impurity and ill-reknown.” Later more priests were discovered abusing little boys, so the Church established a policy of “promoveatur ut amoveatur” or“promotion for avoidance” to protect reputations of the priest and the Church. 

A long way from “Suffer the little children to come unto me.”  

“Truth didn’t seem to matter. Clericalism ruled. Secrets abounded. Files were concealed. Grand juries were never a part of the lexicon.” – Mark Williams, victim.

The problem for the Church was the same problem all authoritarian organizations have: no checks and balances. Only this was worse. Anyone who thought to stand up to a pedophile priest or a rapist priest would be kicked out of the Church and barred from Heaven. 

Instead of “Let them eat cake” it was “Let them eat wafers.”

“How could the clerical church have kept silent, covering these atrocities?” – Mark Williams, victim.

Because no one, for centuries, had the courage to take on the Catholic Church. Finally, in the 21st century, a movie like “Spotlight”, a District Attorney who documented 1000 cases in Pennsylvania, and other successful attempts, started illuminating the corruption of one of the greatest legacies ever, that of Jesus Christ. 

The few turned into many. “Suffer the little children” took on wings. 

Ironically, the people who finally took on the Catholic Church did so with the teachings they learned from the Catholic Church.  

Now, even the Pope is starting to join them. 

Finally, courage.  Finally, truth to power.  Finally, hope for children. 

Sister Veronica Openibo is a nun from Nigeria. In February, 2019, at the Vatican Summit for sex abuse, she spoke for thousands of Catholic leaders who, for four hundred years, never took on the Catholic Church:

“Why did we keep silent for so long?”

While we’re all starting to get charged up about the next Presidential election, and why Ford is dropping most sedan production and Amazon’s next move, it might be good to step back and look at a bigger picture.

This country, as well as the world, is going through more changes now than we’ve ever gone through. They will have a direct impact on, not just how we live, but in some cases, if we live.

* Climate change. The planet is heating up. We’re having storms we’ve never had before. A record breaking cold in our north at the same time Australia is having a record-breaking heat wave; tires and roads literally melting. During the summer before last, parts of the middle east were well over 120 degrees. Oops! Sorry, that was Phoenix, Arizona. It was so hot planes couldn’t take off.

Yet we’re still arguing over whether climate change is real. 

* Economy. The disparity between the poor and the wealthy is greater than it was in the Gilded Age. Remember when everyone wanted to be a millionaire? Now millionaires are a dime a dozen (if you’ll pardon the expression). Today it’s all about billionaires. In 1986, Sam Walton was the richest American with $4.5 billion. Today, the richest American is Jeff Bezos with $160 billion. There was less wealth disparity in the 50’s, with a high tax rate 70%, than we have now, with a high tax rate of 37%. The buying power of the middle class – heck the middle class itself – is disappearing. And that’s happening just as robots are arriving to take human jobs, robots that will do everything from picking out items in Amazon warehouses to helping a surgeon do a 4-way bypass. 

The disparity is so widespread we’re actually questioning the validity of the economic system that got us here: capitalism.

* US Leadership of the World. We’re losing our leadership position of the Western World. After WWII, we were the country with the power to make things right, to keep bad guys at bay. Now, as a result of stupid wars and stupid leadership, we are losing that respect. There’s a funny thing about leadership – a leader without followers is just a person with a big mouth and no audience. Between over-reach of assorted Presidents in the past 20 years and the pure disrespect for our current President, we’re fast becoming unimportant. 

That has enormous potential for trouble – worldwide – as bad guys like China and Russia fill the vacuum and assert their leadership.

* Culture change: From the founding fathers up to the 50’s, the US was led primarily by WASPs (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants). In the last 70 years, that has changed as different immigrant groups arrived and started moving up the ladder, as African Americans stopped being held back and started moving up the ladder, as women stopped being tolerated and started up the ladder. Now everyone can compete and WASPs are becoming less important. The country is finally becoming the melting pot we always claimed to be. 

From Wall Street to Pennsylvania Avenue to Main Street, the culture is more complex and diverse than ever. Who is an American is harder to answer and more hotly debated than ever before. 

* Industrial Age vs Computer Age. The industrial revolution arrived in the middle of the 1800’s and sent the agrarian economy packing within a few decades. Kids left farms for factories. African Americans left the south in a huge migration to factories in the north. Silicon Valley, once a place of oranges and grapefruits is now the change agent for, not just the country, but the world.  

Those who aren’t conversant with computers have no one to converse with or about.

* Politics. Everywhere you look around the world, you see political change. Rightist governments are popping up everywhere, from Europe to the Philippines. Democracy, once the aspiration of peoples across the world, is being challenged by the rise of demagogues. In this country, we are having a genuine debate between capitalism and socialism. 

Which way will we go? Who knows?

These are not just a few changes. They are not minor. They are many and more varied than we have ever seen at one time. How we manage these changes, how we adapt to them, how we use them to better ourselves and others, is critical. Because they are happening now, not next year or next decade. Now.

Valentines Day is not just another Hallmark holiday, like Father’s Day or Mother’s Day.  St. Valentine was not just a creation of merchandizers looking for a new reason to shame us into buying stuff. 

There are several legends about this 3rd century martyr. The one I like centers on a law allowing married soldiers not to go to war. Emperor Claudius of Rome, leader of a small army and not wanting to make it any smaller, forbade his soldiers to marry. Valentine was a priest who valued love more than war or fear of Claudius, so he defied the ban and married soldiers and their sweethearts anyway. To mark the occasions he gave couples parchment cutouts of hearts. (Altogether, now: “Awww!”). Claudius beheaded him to set an example, so the Church, setting its own example, waited 900 years until the 12th century, to make made him a saint.

Fear and love have always fought for our hearts.

Claudius was not unique in using fear. Dictators have always used it. Hitler promoted fear of Jews to bring Germany together in the 1930’s. Stalin used fear of Siberia, torture and being disappeared. 

Even elected leaders have used it. Nixon once said “People react to fear, not love; they don’t teach that in Sunday school, but it’s true.” His fear of impeachment led to an early retirement.

Trump said, “Real power is — I don’t even want to use the word — fear.” But he sure likes using the power it generates.

Contrast that with Churchill’s “Never, never, never give in!” Or Roosevelt’s “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”.

Or just about anything from Jesus Christ.

Falling in love is fraught with fear. Will she love me back? Does he notice me? Am I too old, skinny, fat, ugly? Should I hook up with her? Can I trust him? Contemplating marriage is one of the scariest things ever.  Will he change over time? Will she still love me if I lose my job or my hair? Will he love me when I’m grey and my attributes are drooping?      

Sometimes fear wins. Sometimes love wins. 

I knew a couple who had diametrically opposite political views and, like most, feared the opposing party. But they held hands whenever they walked until her arthritis made it impossible. Love – love, as they might say in tennis.

Another couple had ingrained fears from similar childhood traumas. One became reactive; the other became distrustful and controlling. Despite great chemistry, they never learned to salve each other’s fears. One day her controlling triggered his reactivity, which triggered her distrust, which triggered him being thrown out like a bad piece of fruit. Love lost; fear won.

Dating websites are great examples of the fear-love conflict. Are you texting with a scammer, a potential rapist, or your next true love? But our need for love makes us brave: one third or more of marriages today began from on-line dating.

We could all learn about love from dogs. They have no fear of loving – even the biggest jerk ever – unconditionally.  Maybe they should be called “valentines”.

St. Valentine never defined human love. He just celebrated it above all else, especially fear.

Some of us have experienced and lost love. Some just read about it. The lucky ones have it. The smart lucky ones cherish, protect, and nurture it – every day.

Longtime symbol of Hollywood, Marilyn Monroe, once said: “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”  

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.” – Elie Weisel

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” – Pablo Neruda

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”  – Nat King Cole song.

My favorite definition of love came from Dr. Seuss: “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” 

There’s not a scintilla of fear in these quotes. Love wins; fear loses.

Thank you St. Valentine.